Christmas Confessions
by letherfly
Summary: One Shot / Bensidy Christmas


Their first Christmas in their new home was small. Olivia's nightmares had come back with a vengeance in the weeks and days before the trial. They both agreed that a small quiet holiday was what they both needed; a short break from the reality of their jobs, their families, and the impending trial.

Olivia was trying hard to keep the walls from building, but she could feel the strain she put on herself and Brian and their relationship. Christmas morning was no different; she flew out of a nightmare and shot upright taking jagged breaths.

Brian had become a light sleeper following the events of last May. His eyes adjusted to the dusky tones of early dawn. She was sitting with her shoulders hunched forward and one hand to her head. He sat up and leaned against the headboard; he knew to give her time to slow her breathing and adjust to reality.

When she took her hand off her eyes, he broke the golden rule and reached for her hand. He knew she hated feeling dependent, but it was Christmas and he loved her. When her shoulders shook lightly, he released her hand, fearing she was crying.

"I'm okay, Bri," she breathed, her tone shocked him; it was cool and easy and loving. "Lets lay in bed for a while, okay? I want our first Christmas memories in our new home to be happy."

The change in her demeanor, the way she fought back the walls, and pushed herself to accept his love, made Brian's heart swell. He pulled her against him and nodded in agreement against her hair.

/

In mid-January Brian's mother had invited her son and his girlfriend to her home in Brooklyn for a post-holiday celebration with his immediate family. The trial had ended and their lives were starting to return to a normal rhythm. Olivia was quick to agree to go to dinner and curious to learn more about his family. Brian's older sister Jennifer had made the trip down from upstate with her husband and two teenaged children. His younger sister, Sofia, was coming in from New Jersey and was expected to bring her new boyfriend.

"You look beautiful, Liv."

She smiled and handed him the new fearlessness necklace he had given her for Christmas. He obliged her request and fastened it around her neck, pressing a kiss into her shoulder before resting his chin against her. Her body relaxed and pressed into his as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"You think your sisters will approve of me?"

Her voice was teasing, but he squeezed her and nodded seriously against her shoulder.

"Sofia, she's my baby sister. We're fifteen years apart, but we've always been close," Brian tried to explain, but found his voice wasn't cooperating, "I just… I miss her, sometimes."

"Bri, she lives so close, why don't we make plans to meet her for drinks out in Hoboken with her new boyfriend next week?"

"You're the best," he mumbled against her neck, kissing her jawline softly, "I love you."

/

Three glasses of wine into dessert, Olivia's cheeks were warm and rosy and she laughed louder and harder than she had in months. They sat in the living room sharing stories of childhood debauchery. Brian sat next to Olivia on the couch with his arm across her shoulders. She sat curled to his side, her wine glass resting on his knee, while Jennifer sat to her right with a photo album spread across their legs.

"Oh Jenn, come on, do we really need visuals," Brian whined.

"YES!"

Olivia and Jennifer roared with giggles as Brian tossed his head against the back of the couch. Sofia sat on the floor between their mess of legs and laughter, flipping through pages.

"Wait, stop, what is that - Brian, did you have long hair?" Olivia pulled the book closer to her face to examine a teenaged Brian with long, dreaded hair. She erupted in laughter as Brian buried his face against her hair. Brian groaned as Sofia pulled out a box that he recognized as baby pictures.

"Score!" Sofia yelled as she held up a naked toddler photo of Brian.

"Let me see that," Olivia snatched it out of her hands and held it up close to examine. She glanced at Brian, whose eyes pleaded with her not to say anything. She glanced at Brian's lap, back at the photo, and then met his eyes with a mischievous grin. "You've definitely grown … up," she whispered as she pressed a quick kiss against his lips.

When the wine ran out and everyone's laughter quieted, it was time to say goodbye. The girls cornered Olivia in the hallway as Brian went to warm up the car.

"I'm sorry if we were completely overwhelming," Jennifer tried to reason.

"We can't help it, Brian has never brought a girl to Christmas and you aren't just a girl… you're Olivia!" Sofia blurted out.

"What?" Olivia asked, feeling her head spin with booze and exhaustion.

"Oh come on, you know… Brian has always had a thing for you. He's dated other girls, but we've never heard of or met any of them. You're the first one he's really ever told us anything about."

Olivia's already rosy face flushed a deep crimson. Sofia's face became serious and worried; she hadn't meant to say so much.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything," she began, but Olivia cut her off.

"No, stop, please don't be sorry. I'm so glad to have finally met you and it means so much to me that you've let me into your lives and made me feel at home."

Sofia softened and pulled Olivia into a quick hug. Olivia's heart felt something she hadn't felt in a long time; she was beginning to feel whole again. She hugged Sofia tightly and smiled as Jennifer hugged them both.

"It's the wine," Jennifer explained as they all burst into giggles and pulled back from each other.

/

"I love your sisters," Olivia smiled as they drove back towards Manhattan.

"You are drunk," Brian smirked back at her.

"Maybe," she smiled seductively from the passenger seat, "You've never taken a girl home for Christmas?"

She caught him off guard as she had intended to do. She saw his eyes widen and his mouth open and close, clearly searching for the right words. Letting him off easy, she rested her hand on his knee and whispered, "It's okay, I love you too."

/

It was mid morning on Sunday when Olivia's phone rang. She lifted her head from Brian's pillow and squinted at the screen. A New Jersey exchange and a number she didn't recognize flashed across the screen. Fearing something was wrong with Simon, she answered hastily with a groggy voice.

"Hello?"

"Olivia, it's Sofia. I'm sorry, I stole your number out of my brother's phone last night. You sound tired, I must have woken you up on your day off, I'm so sorry."

"Hey, no, it's fine, we're just hanging out," Olivia lied, "What's up?"

"I'm leaving my mom's house to head back to Hoboken in a little while and I have to come through Manhattan, so I thought maybe you and I could grab coffee?"

"Of course," Olivia slid out of bed and started rummaging for clean clothes, "How about an hour?"

/

Sofia was sitting in a far corner of the coffee shop that they had agreed to meet at. Olivia approached quietly and slipped into the chair beside her.

"Hey, what's up?" Olivia greeted the young woman.

"Olivia! Hey, I'm sorry I dragged you out of bed," she apologized. Her tone took on serious notes and then became quiet. Olivia leaned her elbows on her knees and stared at Sofia until she made eye contact. What she was familiar: anxiety, fear, and apprehension.

"Let me buy you a tea," Olivia offered. Sofia nodded and tried to smile that Olivia recognized immediately as faux.

When Olivia returned with their tea, she sat back and gave Sofia some space. Sofia fidgeted with the mug before setting it down. She breathed deeply and exhaled slowly, techniques that Olivia was all too familiar with.

"I was twenty years old when Brian worked a Special Victims. I was in college and Brian used to meet me for lunch every week," she stopped and willed her voice to stop breaking, while staring at Olivia and knowing she had to keep going. "I went to a party in New Jersey one night and missed our lunch plans the next day."

"Sofia…"

"Brian left Special Victims because of me," she explained, her voice becoming stronger, more even. "It wasn't because he couldn't handle the victims. He left because I became a victim and it broke him."

Olivia wasn't sure of what to say; she knew Brian had struggled with the job all those years ago. She knew she hadn't made it any easier when she had been so cold to him after their one night stand. She reached out and squeezed Sofia's hand, knowing she had more to say.

"Brian told me what happened to you. I just wanted to tell it happened to me too."

/

Olivia entered their apartment and spotted Brian in the kitchen. She rushed to him and wrapped her arms around him tightly and burying her face in his neck. Without asking questions, he held her tightly. He felt her grab onto his neck and run her hand soothingly over his back. It was all he could do not to question what had happened, but he stayed with her in the moment and began to sway them back and forth.

"I love you so much, Bri," she finally whispered into his ear, "I am so grateful for everything you've done for me since the attack. I know I've been hard to deal with, but you are the best man I've ever known. Thank you."

He smiled and pulled away so he could meet her eyes.

"It's okay Liv, I love you too."


End file.
